All About Love and Other Matters of Consequence
“To love well is the task in all meaningful relationships, not just romantic bonds.”
There was once a point in my life when I would have been ashamed to share how late I came to the works of bell hooks and Audre Lorde. But, the honest truth is that I was not ready to consume their words until I left a decade of youthful doggedness behind. My twenties were filled with a sort of ego, an infallibility, that one just entering the adolescence of adulthood seems to hold. I thought that I knew myself. I often tell people that I have always been deeply introspective and so I believed that I had turned over every rock and splashed in every stream of my psyche. I confidently thought that there was nothing left to learn. Ha! Here’s a little secret: I was wrong.
For a bit of context, by the time I picked up my first copy of bell hooks’ All About Love: New Visions, I had just concluded the slow untangling of a relationship that was no longer serving either of us. It acted as a bookend to my twenties that began with a “failed” lengthy engagement, a few fits and starts of budding romances in between, and then another six-plus year relationship. This time was also complemented by discovering how to build authentic female friendships and intentional boundary setting amongst family.
So, clearly I came to bell hooks in a state of complete contentment. I’m joking, but the truth is that I had discarded the notion that I knew everything there was to know about myself. The layers of my armor had been slowly peeling back over time and the skin beneath was fresh, malleable. I, like bell hooks, have always been curious about love. Some of this could be tied directly to how I was shown love as a child or the litany of entanglements in which I found myself. Regardless, those who follow me on Instagram know that I am constantly sharing the ways in which others talk about and express their love.
It is not an exaggeration to say that the book shook my world. It gave me more language for something I’d been feeling - experiencing, but didn’t quite have a grasp of. Although it is not a perfect book, I feel like 90% of her examination of this ubiquitous concept holds up to modern day. The exploration of love is broken up into thirteen chapters and an introduction. Each chapter focuses on the different ways love shows up, from “Honesty: Be True to Love” to “Community: Loving Communion” to “Romance: Sweet Love.” The way it was structured resonated with me because although it is an intellectual exercise in some ways, it is deeply rooted in the personal. She interweaves stories of her life while challenging social norms and pushing us to expand the diverse ways love can show up.
I, like many of us, immediately gravitate towards the romantic when I think of love, but I believe two of the most powerful sections of the book have nothing to do with romance. As a woman with a challenging relationship with one of her parents, her chapter on the ways in which children are treated under the guise of “love” was both powerful and affirming. “When we love children, we acknowledge by our every action that they are not property, that they have rights — that we respect and uphold their rights. Without justice there can be no love.” Separately, as someone who has committed her life to deep work in community, the chapters on community and justice lit a fire under me.
“Commitment to truth telling lays the groundwork for the openness and honesty that is the heartbeat of love.”
But, hooks’ comments on the unrealistic expectations of romantic love are just as poignant. I’ve long felt that we put far too much pressure on our romantic counterparts to fill every need. It is foolish to think that one person can be everything, but we exist in a society that perpetuates this damaging notion. That said, I will acknowledge that I am a pretty independent person with a fairly dynamic, somewhat unconventional life. And because of this, my perspective may be skewed.
Although lovely people, previous romantic partners over the years were either intimidated by my ambition or uninterested in engaging with the dynamism of a life dedicated, in large part, to community. To be more explicit, I have shunned the idea of being someone’s everything and uninterested in a partner who does not share my curiosity of life. In the last few years, I’ve taken up the task of intentionally tending to the vibrant forest of community that is built upon loving reciprocity and respect. Any romantic partner I engage with must truly understand and accept that reality. My found family, the collectives I’ve built, and the work that I do in service to a better tomorrow, are all just as important as building a strong, symbiotic romantic relationship, and just as life giving.
“How different things might be if, rather than saying ‘I think I’m in love,’ we were saying ‘I’ve connected with someone in a way that makes me think I’m on the way to knowing love.’”
Recently, I had the opportunity to visit the college where bell hooks taught, Berea College. An avid journal-er, I had the opportunity to flip through her journals and read her words. I found what she wrote on the day and year I was born. She always started each little spiral notebook with a specific quote from Rumì. It was like she knew these notebooks would allow us to continue to be in conversation with her well after her passing.
That moment for me was what led to my return to this half-written reflection after a year with fresh eyes. It felt important to continue the conversation in a way that honors her work and what has been brewing in my heart over these last few years. She truly leans into this idea that love is not a passive emotion. It is a deliberate action and commitment that we must undertake. For me, her work has always been a call to return to love. To lean into this action of being in communion and connection in a way that is grounded in deep respect for the human condition. I acknowledge that there is so much more to say here, but I want this to be the beginning of our conversation.
Ashe.
“To return to love, to get the love we always wanted but never had, to have the love we want but are not prepared to give, we seek romantic relationships. We believe these relationships, more than any other, will rescue and redeem us. True love does have the power to redeem but only if we are ready for redemption. Love saves us only if we want to be saved.”
